Idiot Lights
You figure it out.
The little red triangle and the red ring around the knob labelled with the brand mark OXO constitute the idiot light on my drip coffee maker. When lit, it could mean, “clean me”, “put the carafe under the coffee filter station”, or “you forgot to add water, you moron.” It could mean other things but I’d have to consult the owner’s manual to find out what. As if I would ever do such a thing.
As a card-carrying idiot, it isn’t obvious to me which idiot the light is being referred to. Is it
· Me, the user, as a virtual dope-slap? you broke me, you idiot
· The device itself, as a cry for help? I’m stuck, I don’t know what to do.
· The designer, oblivious to the user? There are many things that can go wrong with this gadget. A single indication will suffice for all of them.
In the case of my coffee maker, it must have sensors for at least “no water in tank”, “lime build up in heating element”, and one for “carafe not detected”. It may have others. It knows what is wrong. But it isn’t going to let me in on the secret.
It this age of intelligent everything, why did the designer choose to make such a tight-lipped device? Was it to save the expense of a few more LEDs for more diagnostic icons? Maybe there was no room behind the bezel for additional LEDs. I like to think it was in the spirit of minimalism. The OXO knob is the only control on the device. Rotate to the left if you are making 2–4 cups or to the right if you are making 5–8 cups (You have to discover this or read the instructions). Then press to start brewing. So, in the spirit of less is more, maybe the designer felt a single trouble light harmonized perfectly with a single control. Weirder design decisions have been made, trust me.
The coffee maker makes excellent coffee by the way. I’m not complaining.
As far as the device is concerned, the function of its idiot light is to elicit troubleshooting behavior from the meat-based thing attempting to use it. Sometimes the troubleshooting will be within the scope of the meat’s capabilities. Sometimes not. If not, then there is always the owner’s manual or Google. Or a more capable bit of meat can be consulted. Soon, generative AI will render more capable meat extinct.
Idiot lights surround us. They were first discovered in cars. Early in their evolution, they consisted of a single red indicator. This was used to signal that something unfortunate and expensive had happened to the vehicle. More recently, they have become more informative. The check engine light signals that something has gone bad under the hood. Some of these have a vocabulary. Yellow means that you might make it to a mechanic before it blows up. Red means you should seek shelter. You need to read the manual to know this.
Somewhat more informative idiot lights are now common. I once had a car with a single low tire pressure indicator — one of your tires needs air but you are going to need to check all of them. Ha-ha. But my current car helpfully lets me know which tire is low. Progress.
Some idiot lights aren’t lights at all. Personal computers made great leaps in idiot light evolution. Microsoft’s Blue Screen of Death, cleverly indicated that the user needed to perform the three fingered salute or alternatively, take a trip to CompUSA [1]. The “See your System Administrator” message on personal computers meant “I’m broke — lots of luck”. “Function not supported” meant “I don’t understand”.
As technology continues to evolve, so do idiotic indicators. Semi-pseudo-intelligent features such as spell checkers, voice response systems, human language translators and Generative Artificial Idiocy Language solutions all provide ways of signaling that that technology can’t deal with humans. Amazingly, semi-intelligent tech usually often does this without even detecting that human input has driven it off the rails. It’s still up to you, the idiot, to figure out how to get it to say what you want it to say. I’d provide an axe handle but you get the IKEA.
Idiot indicators don’t even have to involve technology. Consider those idiot lights that are the product of biological evolution.
Some landscaping plants cleverly use yellow leaves to indicate both that they have been overwatered and underwatered.
My dog makes this huffing noise that means “play with me”, “feed me “, or “If you don’t let me out, I’ll crap on the floor”. A wagging tail can either mean “I’m thrilled to see you” or “I’m going to bite you.”
Last of all, humans have an idiot indicator called the cold shoulder. It means, “You have done something that really pisses me off, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let know what it was”. Commonly used for signaling deep dissatisfaction to significant others, it often elicits an attempt to debug the relationship, such as “Is something the matter, dear?”. This is inevitably followed by another warning indication such as, “Oh, nothing. Why do you ask?”
Notes
[1] There are various kinds of three fingered salutes but this one refers to the act of simultaneously pressing the CTRL, ALT, and DEL keys on a Microsoft Windows computer. CompUSA was a retail establishment for selling personal computers and accessories.
